wads wrong with me?
i noticed somthing about me today.
after going to www.fadeblack.blogspot.com, a site made specially for my late cousin, Md. Zulkarnain,
i realized something about myself.

im actually avoiding my family.
nowadays, i stay away from them.
my mum n sisters told me that i have changed.
that i no longer care for my family like i used to.
they confronted me saying that im not who i used to be.
and i replied by saying that im skuling... im buzy.
but now i realized that school is just an EXCUSE.
A REALLY GOOD EXCUSE THAT THEY ACTUALLY BELIEVE ME.
when abg zul passed away, i tried to handle my... mourning in a different way.
refusing to cry at the funeral.
refusing to say goodbye.

eversince he passed away, my family started a badminton outing every week.
i only went once.(skul and werk was my excuse)
i dread family gathering, like bbq in my uncle's bungalow and dinner at my gram's home.
i dread it very much.
and when the holy month of RAMADAN came, it was a whole lot more harder.
i dread it even more.
it was a torture for me .
to smile fake smiles, pretending everything is the same when it is obviously NOT.
in islam, it was believed that the dead will be released in the month of ramadan frm thier graves.
and i noe he will be watching us.
how we were coping and all.
i want him to know that things changed when he's gone.
its not the same.
wen Hari Raya came, it became worse. TAKBIR was heard, a sound that signals ramadan is over and it was time for the dead to be 'dead' again.
it broke my heart everytime i heard the TAKBIR.
the first day of raya, was the hardest.
i dread it the most.
the day of celebration, which i noe ther was nothing to celebrate about, was here.
and when his family arrived at my grams crying, i cldnt help but wish tat i'd die instead.
nowadays, i tried to give an excuse for not going to family outing, hari raya outing.
coz i feel, it wun ever be the same nimore.
it wun be right.
People say time heal all wounds.
well, they have no idea wad they are talking about.
time DONT heal wounds.
as time passes by, the wounds get deeper..
family outings and gatherings.... birthdays... special occasions....
all are just reminders how we are alive and him. gone.
i guess i was trying to push my family away, so i wun tynk abt him tat much.
coz family makes me tynk of him.
but it din werk.
its not werking.
eversince he passed away, there was never a moment in my life that i had not thought about him.
He's in my thoughts, my prayers, my dreams. evrytyne i breathe
i love him.
i miss him soooooo much more everday.
all the memories of him, replaying in my mind in a loop.
it just hurts.
it hurts soo bad.
and i want it to stop.
but it wont.
i have accepted the fact that he is no longer with us.
but
IT JUST HURTS.
u cant help but feel the hurt.
god help me find the strength to be strong.
have mercy on me and help me thru this..

Allah,
please forgive him if he had any wrong doings, have mercy on him, efface his sins, pardon him. Allah please acceot his good deeds & virtues, honour him at his new home, give him a better house than his old. Let him to paradise and save him from the torment of grave and hell. He was a good son, cousin, brother,friend, human. may he rest in peace.
Ameen.

*cries*